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 Post subject: The Queen's Demise....Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 7:50 am 
The Queen's Demise The joy is escaping Through this hole that is gaping And we know that it is making Us scream In the dream Of the queen Who's lies revive And face reminds Of the king's reprise In the dark of this place It seems we are losing the race That is making us trace Our thoughts All we are taught As we are bought Our own fate decides That our life resides In the queen's demise Brittney N Raven Copyright ©2005 Brittney N Raven HAHA I have my own copyrighted poem! rock on! Actually it's going to be made into a song...or not....tell me what you think ok? _________________ One more night, that was a good one One more night, i dreamed it was a good one One more, one more night, that was a good one One more night, the end should be a good one A good one |
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Joined: 28 Nov 2005 | Posts: 13 | Location: charleston
Last edited by dark lights 18 on Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:57 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Post subject: Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 8:21 am
How very beat. Like Jack Kerouac. I dig. JD _________________ "Well, hopefully that's our job, to strap rockets onto everything." - Adam Savage, Mythbusters |
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Joined: 26 Jan 2005 | Posts: 3655 | Location: Waterloo, Tejas
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Post subject: Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 11:25 am
Where is the "i didn't like it" option. -Ben _________________ 
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Post subject: Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 1:55 pm
The_Sympt0m wrote: Where is the "i didn't like it" option.
-Ben  _________________ 
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Joined: 21 May 2005 | Posts: 5051 | Location: TX/NYC
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Post subject: Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 10:29 pm
if you had a "hate it" option. i wonder fi anyone would actually vote for that. i wouldnt because i thought the poem rocked. keep writing  _________________ But I cannot discover any advantage except in honor, in glory, and in right action. Therefore I consider these goals to be primary and supreme over all others. Cicero |
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Joined: 09 Jun 2005 | Posts: 3611 | Location: San Diego
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 5:28 am
starbucksgod wrote: if you had a "hate it" option. i wonder fi anyone would actually vote for that. i wouldnt because i thought the poem rocked. keep writing Ben would. _________________ EisleyForever wrote: you're A-list in my heart! MAKECOLDPLAYHISTORY |
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Joined: 20 Feb 2005 | Posts: 8868 | Location: Saturn, the Bringer of Old Age
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 5:29 am
DRMS_7888 wrote: starbucksgod wrote: if you had a "hate it" option. i wonder fi anyone would actually vote for that. i wouldnt because i thought the poem rocked. keep writing Ben would. Well, I would if that was the only negative option, I didn't HATE it, I just didn't like it. Big difference. -Ben _________________
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 5:35 am
much to rhymey like _________________ we'll Cuddle until the the Breakdown, then we'll Dance. 
Myspace? |
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Joined: 11 Jun 2005 | Posts: 93 |
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:26 am
The_Sympt0m wrote: Where is the "i didn't like it" option.
-Ben Ben, i am sorry you feel that way...when i write my next poem, i'll be sure to not ask your opinion ok...does that make it better? jeez...one day....one day    _________________ One more night, that was a good one One more night, i dreamed it was a good one One more, one more night, that was a good one One more night, the end should be a good one A good one |
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Joined: 28 Nov 2005 | Posts: 13 | Location: charleston
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:50 am
Well, let's see you posted your poem on a public forum and asked for opinions, then you made the only 2 options "I like" and "it's alright" to avoid any negative comments. The poem wasn't very good, I didn't say anything about you personally, nor did I say I could do better; I said your poem wasn't very good. If you didn't want honest opinions, then why did you post it on a public forum? Post it on your xanga if you want everyone to love it. -Ben _________________
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 7:55 am
ok....to clear it up for you ben, i posted an option for ppl who didn't like it....but, somewhere along the way, the rediculous poll didn't register that option....so, that would be why you, ben, were unable to pick it....and it's on a public forum because it can be, not because i want approval from anyone as pertaining to what i write, but because feedback, whether positive or negative, is the only way to improve.....don't just tell me you don't like it, tell me why....i'm curious.... _________________ One more night, that was a good one One more night, i dreamed it was a good one One more, one more night, that was a good one One more night, the end should be a good one A good one |
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Joined: 28 Nov 2005 | Posts: 13 | Location: charleston
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 8:05 am
Because you're forcing the rhyme. It seems like you set out to write the poem and make sure it rhymes, rather than letting it truly express yourself. I say this often, assonance and alliteration are far better tools to use than rhyming. It's less obvious and much easier to pull off. The way the poem is written now it reads like a freestyle rap. -Ben _________________
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Post subject: Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2005 8:08 am
The_Sympt0m wrote: Because you're forcing the rhyme. It seems like you set out to write the poem and make sure it rhymes, rather than letting it truly express yourself. I say this often, assonance and alliteration are far better tools to use than rhyming. It's less obvious and much easier to pull off. The way the poem is written now it reads like a freestyle rap.
-Ben i agree... but when writing it's easy to get focused on rhyme and lose your purpose. how long have you been writing poetry? _________________ Saellys wrote: Thank God for Arielle  all your kind, they're coming clean they shut their eyes their mess, their scene |
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Joined: 02 Jul 2004 | Posts: 5273 | Location: i forget
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