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 Post subject: April's Eisley Forum Tabloid!Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 8:29 am 
I had a loss of good headlines this month…infertile April! Gah! So, that’s why it’s not Eisley Forum Tabloid caliber. It’s…there. I’m hoping the interviews with Jamie and Ali will make up for it. I actually wrote an article! I haven’t done that since the 2nd(1st?) tabloid! Whoooooo! Yeah. 
The article now. ‘…The Hell?’ I quickly sort through my notes, standing outside Jamie’s apartment in Trump Tower. It takes up the whole floor. I’m not in the mood to do this interview, if you can call me asking thought-provoking questions while an egotesticle Jamie replies, “Want some juice?” and repeatedly leaves the room to try and dodge questions. But, sigh…that’s the life. This is my job. I’m a respected journalist. And I’m good at it! Rahh! After convincing myself that this is worth it, I ring the doorbell. The door flings open and a crazy-eyed bearded man pops out yelling, “HELLO!!!” I lose my footing and fall on my back, blacking out. I wake up on a couch looking out through the one-story window to see a view of Central Park. Jamie does not apologize, but continues chugging a nearly-empty bottle of Vodka. I go to get out my notes and they’re not there. “Did you steal my notes?” “Yes.” “Can I have them back?” “No, I don’t like them. I wrote some other questions you can ask me.” Jamie throws a tiny napkin with 10 questions scribbled on it with extensive misspelling and strange use of the English language. Jamie has clearly discovered that it’s easier to dodge questions when you can blame your indecisiveness on alcohol. I knew this wasn’t going to work. Rats! Foiled again. Still, I decide not to use the questions and make some up. I grab Jamie’s attentionJamie MoldyNacho: by turning off the TV and hiding his Vodka, telling him that he can’t have it back until he answers the nice lady’s questions. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Now, let's just get the ball rolling here. Recently, photos have surfaced of you having kissing relations on a date with BNROCKS, Dan. You have also denied that there's anything going on, when there obviously is, before confessing that you have been having an affair with Dan. How has Ali been taking this and what kind of effect has the media had on your personal lives? Jamie MoldyNacho: Ali and I … Your fabrications don't scare us! Eisley Forum Tabloid: What do you think is going to happen for you and Ali? Or you and Dan? Jamie MoldyNacho: We'll remain boyfriends. And chat online. Eisley Forum Tabloid: How good is Ali in bed? Jamie MoldyNacho: Well, I guess he doesn't kill people in beds? That would make him an ok guy, even when he's sleeping. Ahahahahahaha! Whee! Eisley Forum Tabloid: You and Ali have been together for nearly a year, but it looks like it's not going to last much longer. Do you think your relationship will be able to weather this passionate storm of your freaky-lovin'? Jamie MoldyNacho: I donno. Is lovin' a french word? I don't speak French. Which reminds me of the 'Nam. One time, I was shooting the trees with my M-16, lookin' for Charlies. Well, darn it if I didn't blow up a school bus. But don't worry, all the kids were young, so they don't count. But man, I had some good wings that night, let me tell you. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Rumour has it that you have commitment problems. What kind of problems does Ali have? Jamie MoldyNacho: Sorry, I got distracted answering another interview. [Jamie picks his nose, looking around.] Eisley Forum Tabloid: It's been said that your career-driven lifestyle has been too much for Ali, whose real name is Settle-Down McBabies. Will your differing wants in life be a deciding factor in the fate of your relationship, or do you think if you two break up, it will be mainly because you're a cheating $#@!? Jamie MoldyNacho: McNuggets are tasty. Mmm! [Jamie starts taking photos of his foot.] Eisley Forum Tabloid: Are you going to continue seeing Dan if you end up working things out with Ali? Jamie MoldyNacho: I haven't seen Dan since New Year's. What are you talking about? Me and Dan?! Ha. Speaking of tar tar, one time, I knew this dude with a bad gum infection. His teeth started to fall out, so he joined a cult in Ecuador and died when guerrillas attacked the camp. He wasn't killed by the militants, but afterward he ran with scissors and fell. It was sad. Eisley Forum Tabloid: The person who brought you and Ali together is Ilitherian. Would you thank him or kill him for accidentally bringing you together with Ali? Jamie MoldyNacho: I want his ice cream. His sweet, sweet ice cream. Eisley Forum Tabloid: How do you think the media and tabloid coverage of this will affect the sales of your new rap album, 'Bitch, It's A Throw Down Now'? Jamie MoldyNacho: You step to me, and I'll drop bombizzles in your grillizzles! The album drops May 10th, boy. Eisley Forum Tabloid: And finally, our last question. Why Dan? Why not Ryan Fisher or SwissArmyRomance or Pzykotic? Jamie MoldyNacho: They're stabby. Now that this is over, I can tend to my archives. I'm going through the era of my life where I crusaded for literacy in the third world. The Third World was much different then. It was all puppies and preppy Indonesians. I hated those puppies, they were so stuck up. One wouldn't even let me barter some burlap for a cup of espresso. But I showed him good. I gave him Alpo instead of Kibbles 'n' Bits. That dumb whoredog. Thank you for your time. Muckrake on! Jamie immediately threw me out and went to search for his vodka. I deem the interview inconclusive and pointless. Hopefully, Ali will make this his chance to get the public to feel bad for him even more than they already do. Sadly, this is not the case. When I arrived at Ali’s house, he greeted me warmly and gave me tiny peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut in cookie cutter shapes. He seemed like a wonderfully kind, funny person with his feet firmly planted to the ground. And he was, until I started the interview. Before I finished the first question, he began balling up in the fetal position and rocking back and forth on the polar bear rug covering the living room floor of his modest(save for the polar bear)Greenwich Village apartment. I stopped speaking and looked at him as he did this for about a minute, until he suddenly stopped and sat up with a cheery look on his face. “Yes? Go on! You were asking me something…” I assume he’s okay, and begin the interview. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Jamie at first denied accusations(and obviously incriminating photos)that he was cheating on you with Dan, before he reluctantly admitted what was obviously true. How did his futile attempts at lying make you feel, and how did you initially react? Ali Bagheri: I wasn't really surprised. I mean, I've always known Jamie to be a sneaky fellow. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Do you think there's any chance you're going to be able to work everything out and continue your relationship with Jamie? Ali Bagheri: Not a chance. Mostly because I don't dig on dudes. I make a confused look at him. He seems very blissful, looking around and grabbing at a fly that’s buzzing around. Maybe he’s just joking. I continue. Eisley Forum Tabloid: If you two were to stay together, how would he gain back your trust? Also, would you get back at him by hooking up with another boardie? Ali Bagheri: I'm in a committed relationship with a girl. If he could somehow perfectly impersonate her, he could gain back my trust... um... mistrustfully. I pause, putting everything together…it becomes clear to me that he is in such emotional pain that whenever he hears the name “Jamie”, he goes into a state of denial and, in his own mind, becomes another person. This interview has now become worthless as well, but I continue anyways so that he doesn’t realize what he is doing and that he seems to have multiple personality disorder. Eisley Forum Tabloid: What do you feel towards Dan at this point? What do you think of him? Ali Bagheri: Stand up fellow! Chip chap cheerio! Eisley Forum Tabloid: It's been said that you have an uncontrollable urge to slap children with bad haircuts. What kinds of strange problems does Jamie have? Ali Bagheri: Well first of all, that's a misrepresentation. I like to slap children and give bad haircuts. Not necessarily in that order. Jamie picks his nose. All the time. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Rumour has it that before you found out about Jamie and Dan, your relationship was already dwindling because of yours and Jamie's different paths in life. While you were focusing your life towards messing with Jamie's anti-preggers pills, Jamie was asking people to refer to him by his new name, CareerMan O'PhotoBoy. Is this true, and will it affect whether or not you stay with Jamie or dump that "I-Don't-Think-We-Need-To-Commit"-tastic freak? Ali Bagheri: I thought we established that it's already over. Stop contradicting me! This interview is over!! Next question. Eisley Forum Tabloid: Would you ever bring back Ilitherian for love quadrangle fun? Ali Bagheri: Man, I miss that kid. Where the crap is he? Eisley Forum Tabloid: How do you think the attention this has gotten from the media will affect the ticket sales of your new film, 'You've Got My Herpes!', starring you and Lindsay Lohan? Ali Bagheri: I don't really pay attention to "media." I'm more of a Nancy Drew kind of guy. I mean, if I'm going to read something, why would I want to read "media?" I'm bored just saying "media" over and over, making those little quote marks in the air. Now a good mystery - that's excitement! Eisley Forum Tabloid: Insiders on the set of your film say you and Lindsay Lohan were giving each other potential diseases off-camera, too. Any truth to that? Does Jamie know? Is that why he cheated on you with Dan? What does it all MEAN?! Ali Bagheri: When it comes to diseases, I'm a giver. It's pretty much statistically impossible for anyone to give me a new disease. Oh, um, and Lindsay is a very talented young lady. It was a pleasure working with her. Jamie was just jealous because he wanted to get with her. Eisley Forum Tabloid: And we'll wrap up the interview with this final question. If you could take away one of Jamie's 6 senses and laugh evilly, which one would it be and why? Ali Bagheri: His sense of touch. It would be hilarious, watching him bumping into things and burning himself all the time. Ali shakes my hand and thanks me for the lovely interview. As I leave the apartment and the door closes behind me, I hear a frightfully loud intake of breath as he begins to sob. I feel bad, then get hungry and go eat something. _________________ If the end of the world has proper noodles I'll probably be okay with it. |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 8:46 am
 _________________ Jamie (the female version) |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 8:54 am
awwwww, teddy, that was great!! hahaa, you made my once a month visit to the forum totally worth it... i thought it was cleverly written and quite humorous... anyways, i hope all is spiffy with you, good day  _________________ .neha. ba-ba-BAM! |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 9:03 am
Oh my God, I finally made it! Yes, yes, YES! _________________ INTELLECT AND ROMANCE OVER BRUTE FORCE AND CYNICISM Smokemonster |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 10:08 am
 i love how i'm dating a yankee in the tabloid. HOW unpredictable!
(just what i was hoping ali would think... muahahaaha) i want to hear more about the ryan/leigh scandal! |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 10:35 am
you should have your own magizine, and make millions _________________ ROCK ME AMADEUS!! "I was on tour in the United States back in '89 and we did a show in Cincinnati. During that show I shouted out, 'It's great to be in Cincinnati!' That was a lie." -David Bowie |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 1:50 pm
you are amazing good gracious hahahahahahahahasdal;hjdsgja |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 1:54 pm
oh my god teddy...did you seriously write all that? get a job ya bum! _________________ welcome to the no pants club boone |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 2:33 pm
you still rock teddy! _________________ http://www.audioscrobbler.com/user/Gameboybob/ http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=gameboybob http://www.myspace.com/thegameboy |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 3:20 pm
granpaturtle wrote: oh my god teddy...did you seriously write all that?
get a job ya bum! I did not write the interview answers. Jamie and Ali did, as I sent them 10 questions to fill out and then wrote the filler crap "ambience" "scene-setting" blah :) Thanks, y'all! _________________ If the end of the world has proper noodles I'll probably be okay with it. |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 3:36 pm
wow, i'm actually a little surprised - you didn't misquote me one bit! i admit, i was kind of expecting a lot of creative license on your part. hilarious stuff, as usual tedra. _________________ hello. |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 3:44 pm
ali wrote: wow, i'm actually a little surprised - you didn't misquote me one bit! i admit, i was kind of expecting a lot of creative license on your part. hilarious stuff, as usual tedra. Thanks! I would've edited all your answers(I added things to Jamie's things to make him look more drunk), but I didn't need to because you're obviously in severe denial that you are who you are and it's cute. But I suggest you face facts and work things out with Jamie or dump his ass sometime, because it can't be cute forever. Soon it will just be sad and Jamie will be stuck with bimbo-Dan and crazy-Hulk-Ali. (That's why your interview photo has you being green. Because this ordeal has permanently turned you to Hulk-Ali.) _________________ If the end of the world has proper noodles I'll probably be okay with it. |
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Post subject: Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 5:46 pm
oh my god
honey you need to get over this. Plus it wasn't Ryan that I left you for... _________________ guitarfreak217 wrote: Everyone, listen to Leigh. She knows what's up. theantrider wrote: My jaw hurts and I have an ulcer. That's what spending time with Kylee gets you |
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Post subject: Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 2:28 am
wow. that was stellar...stunning... if i was a representative from the new york times, i would SO hire you. but i'm not. i mean, i enjoyed that and i don't really know any of the people involved. hats off to you. never has drama been captured in such a manner... _________________ Saellys wrote: Thank God for Arielle all your kind, they're coming clean they shut their eyes their mess, their scene |
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Post subject: Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 5:18 am
I especially like how the one who I am assuming is Gregor is speaking in binary. _________________ hello. |
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